When Someone Sets You Off: Emotional Triggers in Relationships

You know that moment when someone says something small, maybe interrupts you mid-sentence, rolls their eyes, or doesn’t text back, and suddenly you start seeing red.

You tell yourself it’s not a big deal, but your body has already decided otherwise. Like, for me, I would start swallowing hard and I would wear the fakest smile ever. I know for other people, they would clench their teeth, or their chest would tighten.

That’s the thing about emotional triggers: they don’t start in the mind; they start in the nervous system.

In those moments, your body registers a kind of threat, even if the situation doesn’t look dangerous from the outside. Maybe it reminds you, without words, of all the times you weren’t heard, or when you had to fight to be understood.

Before you know it, you’re in a reactive state. You’ve left the steady ground of your “window of tolerance,” the space where you can stay both calm and clear.

So what do you do when that happens?

Finding Your Anchor

When someone’s words sting or catch you off guard, start small.

Do one simple, slow movement. Something that helps you pause.

Maybe you pick up your cup and take three long sips.
Maybe you smooth the sleeves of your shirt, one by one.
Maybe you just exhale, longer than usual.

That small act tells your body: I’m safe. I can slow down.

You don’t have to mindlessly react to it as if it was a threat. Instead, you can simply respond to what’s really happening.

You may not stop being triggered overnight. But little by little, you’ll start catching yourself sooner.

In Therapy

Therapy goes deeper than the moment itself. It’s where you begin to trace the thread back, to the old wounds, unmet needs, or younger parts of you that first learned it’s not safe to be ignored, interrupted, or unseen.

It’s not about judging the reaction, but understanding it. Getting curious about what your nervous system has been protecting all this time.

And therapy can be the place where that part of you finally gets to rest.

If you find yourself getting stuck in the same emotional loops, you might also like this reflection on why we keep replaying arguments.

If you’d like to explore your own triggers more deeply, or simply have a question, you can connect with me here.

This space is for you, too.